The Existential Void That Must Be Met

It has been a while since I posted here. But finally I think I have something worth saying. Or watching.
This video is about the pain of awakening and why it must be faced if we are to experience freedom and peace. I hope you will watch it, it is short and will only take  8 minutes of your valuable time. But if you have EVER felt existential anxiety or wondered if there is something wrong with you, watch this.

Here is some of the text:

Once you have had a glimpse of the program that dictates individual and collective behavior there is no going back and it becomes an ever deepening journey down the rabbit hole.

Everywhere you go you begin to see it in other people and feel it in yourself and it gets crazier and crazier.

And its not always easy or good. 

There is a dark and difficult side to awakening, you begin to see the shadow and the negative side of people and yourself, and where it plays out unconsciously, where it ends up when you see yourself and other people.

It hurts, it hurts, because you see how unconscious so much of all this is, how patterned it is, how created and unconscious people are, and how unconscious you are. 

And you begin to realize that you’ve been asleep all the time from being an infant when there may have been some awakeness with no awareness, and now you start to see that your belief system and thoughts that you thought were yours, that you didn’t question in any way were all programmed into you. 

It hurts, it really hurts, and sometimes it may bring up panic because your world feels like it’s falling apart.

You become ‘an outsider, and what used to work no longer works. And all you feel is discomfort. Thats when you just keep going.

And you might become plunged into an existential black hole, wondering what has any meaning, and what is real and not real?

And that’s the job and the task, to dive into that hole willingly because one sees that there might be something in that hole that is so frightening. there might be something on the other side.

There might be some freedom in diving through.

And it’s up to you, and me, to find out for ourselves what it is. 

No one can tell you, you have to find it for yourself. None of the spiritual teachers or gurus or guides or artists or visionaries or shamans or sages. No one. They can point to it and tell you  about how it is on the other side, but it’s your hole, made for you by divine intelligence, and it your journey to go through it, or not, and see what happens.

The void is there for each of us. Keep going, keep on going and explore. Be bold and be brave and push on through to the other side. 

This is the time to become the adventurer you really are, to become the pioneer and explorer. Only this time the explorer turns inwards.

Free Your Mind And Your Life Will Follow

It doesn’t matter how you do it. It could be through silent meditation, through cathartic releasing of body armouring, it could be through a near death experience or just grace. It could be through psychedelics or plant medicine. It could be through spending time outside the system, finding a wild shamanic group that offers a path to ‘the old ways,’ through story telling and ceremonies.

It doesn’t matter how it happens but it does matter that it happens.

What is it?

Freeing your mind.

I can honestly count the number of people I have met on my travels who appear to have achieved this great accolade, on the fingers of one hand. I’m not even sure, much of the time, whether I am one of them. But I see the goal, I can see how it looks and I make it my every day intention.

To me it is the only thing that matters.

The whole purpose of incarnating is to find out who, or what, is incarnating.
The entire purpose of this exercise called ‘life’ is to see if it is possible to retain, or discover, the pristine seeing of conscious awareness while in a body/mind system that is a ‘perceiving machine.’
Perception and belief is so convincing that it would have us believe it is all there is. The deception is incredibly convincing, so much so that it has the majority of people in its grasp.

I know to most people its not important. But to me a world lived from this kind of freedom is beautiful and remarkable, in many ways.
It somehow seems to ‘re-engineeer‘ us and we become as new beings. It creates a wholeness, a depth, a natural wisdom and an inconceivable ability to see inside both the individual human and the society at large. It makes us more intelligent, intuitive, compassionate, caring and authentic. We act from this integrity and it has a profound impact on our life and the lives of everyone we touch.

Or, as Morpheus says in The Matrix, You take the blue pill – the story ends, you wake up in your bed and believe whatever you want to believe.’

Free your mind and your life will follow a new path.

Thanks for reading!


Social Media Addiction Faced – Detox The Only Answer

My eyes have fully opened recently to the extent of addiction in myself and society generally. Of course addiction is a problem for most societies, but usually the addiction only holds a small minority captive. This time, however, it appears to have the majority of society held by the addictive mechanism and pretty much completely unaware of.

What is it? Yup, Facebook, Twitter, Instagram – It’s called Social Media only it’s not very social.

check-facebookIt’s a revolution folks, a revolution of the way we react and interact. In the last 10 years the way we do EVERYTHING has changed fundamentally, and that means we have had no real time to adjust either mentally or, more to the point, emotionally. The tsunami of social media interaction has begun to define our lives. And short of a total meltdown of the internet or a collapse of society, the tsunami has only just begun.

Statistics reveal that cell phone use and web use generally increased enormously from 2014. Check this to see what Im talking about!

Some statistics: Around 40% of the world population has an internet connection today. In 1995, it was less than 1%.
The number of internet users has increased tenfold from 1999 to 2013.
The first billion was reached in 2005. The second billion in 2010. The third billion in 2014.

facebook-addictBut the statistics are one thing. The anecdotal, visual evidence, is more distressing and alarming.

Look around at your friends, your kids, maybe even your parents, look in the malls, or on public transport, and then take a deep and honest look inside yourself and see if you are really any different from any of them. ADDICTION IS NOT ON AND OFF. It’s not a switch that is either up, meaning not addicted, or down, meaning addicted. Oh no. Addiction is all about degrees and measures. Addiction is wrapped up with necessity and habit, with social conditioning and deeply held human issues rooted in our ancestral dna, and stuff about the herd mentality and ancient tribal behaviour demanded by sheer survival.

Check whether this list includes anything you do.

Almost everyone is addicted to something, even if its just in some small way. It may be subtle, or it may be all consuming, but its there. It may not interfere with healthy functioning, but its there, and its something that pulls at us if we don’t do it habitually. It may not be that destructive to our life, well being, relationships, work and so on but there it is.


I think the sooner we recognise that addictive impulse in ourselves and where it lives, in what dark corner it hides, and, most importantly, what purpose is it serving, the more we can understand ourselves and transcend the torment of our addictions. Because the nature of addiction is unconscious and denied. And it ALWAYS serves a purpose, always it offers us the carrot of salvation from our suffering. It always offers us love. But addiction itself is a highly powerful force. Even more than the object of ones addiction is the ADDICTION. It is a mechanism, a highly powerful shadowy mechanism that thrives on darkness and fear.

Because addiction is so closely linked to our basic existential nature it is intertwined with the two base forces of love and fear.

Maybe addiction is the unconscious human answer to separation syndrome. Thats why addiction is essentially a spiritual phenomena.

The answer to addiction is waking up to the truth of who you are. The answer to all addiction is love and inner authority. To overcome addiction, as well as the physical component, one must fall in love with oneself, show up, tell the truth, see where you hide from fear and what you are afraid of, and then chose to love yourself. The answer to addiction is love and connection, but that connection is to yourself and the world.


Anything less than your full power released into the world could result in the activation of this addiction mechanism. It may protect you for a while. But it will eat you in the end. It is voracious and hungry.

So let us return to the issue in hand. The modern cultural acceptable addiction. Social media.
Head down, buried in the screen, totally distracted, emotionally dependent on ‘likes’, comments, notifications, increasing friends lists, etc etc we disappear from awareness and presence into the world of the mind through the screen and down the rabbit hole.

We check our phones at least 150 times a day, many of us, so I worked out that on average that means every 6 minutes or so. And it is increasing.

If it affects you, if you keep checking your phone, inbox, social media, even when there is no real reason, then I’m afraid you are in the modern matrix. And the matrix has you.

I know because I have been in the matrix also. I was completely convinced I was acting from real freedom and just exercising my freedoms and really enjoying all my friends and contacts and likes etc. But the truth was that the walls of my prison had changed and got smaller. They built the prison around me while I was distracted by content.

6a00d8341c3e6353ef00e551d211f38834-800wiMany of us have been led, innocently, to the pot on the stove and have been boiled, so slowly we have not noticed. These giant social media corporations hire well qualified, highly professional psychologists and marketers to investigate you and me and to work out how to get us to do what they want, willingly and blindly, as though we were free.

They know your habits, your preferences, your likes, dislikes they know how long you do something and they know what you don’t like. Between your phone stats, your Facebook analytics, google and amazon they know you better than you know yourself. You have an online profile that informs social media and they promote and market to accordingly. They feed you what you want, even if you don’t know what you want.

It is that scary. And you don’t even realise, because they have offset their activities with your rewards. Those rewards are (the illusion of) connection, being liked, importance, information, and power.

Don’t buy any of it because its not real.

I quit Facebook and Twitter very recently and I am feeling the effects of the withdrawal. Some parts of life have been rendered meaningless.  Where is the instant gratification of a new like? Where is the surfing new posts to give me some distraction? Where is the relief I get every day, relief from the truth of my own life?

Gone…Facebook shut down and Twitter deactivated. It feels powerful, detoxing and vulnerable….Do it…try it out, inquire, investigate, tell the truth.
And comment here…Its the only place you will find me..

The Matrix has you…..and at some point you have to make a decision..

Reclaiming Warrior Consciousness

The self-confidence of the warrior is not the self-confidence of the average man. The average man seeks certainty in the eyes of the onlooker and calls that self-confidence. The warrior seeks impeccability in his own eyes and calls that humbleness. The average man is hooked to his fellow men, while the warrior is hooked only to infinity.” ~ Carlos Castaneda

It appeared to have died many years ago. In fact not many ever think about it and thus it is relegated to myths of ancient times, or turned into super hero comics and movies.

What is it?

Warrior consciousness.

It died when we humans got smaller and more submissive. It died when we became so socialised and urbanised that we lost our wildness. There was a trade off in order to live peacefully and collectively, and it was the very thing that gave us freedom and adventure and power. It was the very thing that made us warriors with integrity and honour.

And it was the very thing that enabled us to stand up to tyrants and maniacs.

And when we humans lose integrity, honour, impeccability and wisdom, we lose everything that lifts us up from the swamp of the ego. Without the gifts of the warrior we live like guttersnipes grabbing power and trying desperately to dominate each other. Without honour and authenticity we live in a kind of half light of ego mania where we each try and feed off each other. A living hell realm.

Warrior consciousness is what lifts us towards the divine and out of the gutter.
And the loss of our warrior like discipline and discernment has led to a submissiveness that has consequently allowed petty tyrants and despots to rule us and dominate us.

And we need to reclaim our warrior consciousness. Now.


I have spent time with a shaman I knew during the 90s. To some extent he trained me. He ran a tribe doing ceremonies, sweat lodges, authentic being, talking circles, offerings, poetry of the heart, musical wildness and feasting – he still does I think. I went through a deep transformational 2 years with him, seeking power in dark places, caves, mountain tops and in sweat lodges and fire ceremonies. I got injured, torn open, humbled, at times humiliated, adored and applauded for my bravery and authenticity.
dsc02299It was a devastatingly heart opening, defence shattering experience that allowed me to see and experience what Castenada is talking about in the quote at the start of this blog.
At first I was just the same old guy doing lots of weird ceremonies, but after two years I had developed eloquence, respect, authenticity, even some impeccability and honour. I thought and felt poetically and a passion arose in my very being, a passion for truth and love, a warrior like passion that has never turned off.

And then I discovered a love I had never had before, with my wife Amoda Maa. This love burned up all vestiges of arrogance or hiding and resolved everything that stood in the way of intimacy and authentic relating.

And then I discovered self inquiry, the form of spiritual investigation to seek what is true above and beyond all relative beliefs and thoughts. This inquiry allowed me to begin to rest in absolute consciousness and allow the drama of life to play on without me.

So the answer, to me, when asked how to develop this warrior-like truth and impeccability, is:
a. Willingness to be stripped of what is false within you.
b. A desire for truth that burns in your heart.
c. An acknowledgement that things are not working as they are.

If those three things align then you are ready. You need to find someone, somewhere, a group, tribe, workshop, book, teacher, shaman, who you are drawn to, one that makes you feel excited and scared, and you need to dive in head first and get carried by the wave. Don’t get into hero worship and always remember what you are there for.

You are there to learn about yourself. You are seeking your warrior nature, your truth, impeccability and authenticity. It doesn’t have to take lifetimes, and it doesn’t have to be this mystery that many elevated spiritual teachers talk of. Don’t get fooled by too much of this ‘enlightenment’ business.

Keep it simple. Be committed to stripping away what is false and fake within you, and harmony and truth will arise naturally. Follow the signs, they will be everywhere, and when you learn how to read them they will be even clearer.

And then the journey of your life will get very cool and very interesting. When we are stuck in normal mindset it is very boring, and very linear. We are shut off from the intelligence of nature and life itself. We are, in effect, alone. When you begin to develop as a warrior this barrier begins to dissolve and the world awakens! It was always there but you were asleep to it.

And then you become the warrior Castaneda talks about.

The self-confidence of the warrior is not the self-confidence of the average man. The average man seeks certainty in the eyes of the onlooker and calls that self-confidence. The warrior seeks impeccability in his own eyes and calls that humbleness. The average man is hooked to his fellow men, while the warrior is hooked only to infinity.” ~ Carlos Castaneda

Thanks for reading, good luck out there.
Kavi in Hat copy


One mind…..7 billion variations

The Problem, as my old Chinese Doctor said, is your MIND
So my beloved has fled to Stockholm to do Satsang for the weekend and I am here in this mess, with a still wracked body and now just pulled a muscle or twitched a nerve in my shoulder.
Not particularly inspired by anything…BUT wait a minute!
Aren’t we making the move of our lives in just two weeks time!=?
(We are going to the US for a while)
Why am I not super duper excited?
Because I no longer seem to get super duper excited.

Life offers things, they arrive, they disappear, and it is an endless cycle of appearance and disappearance.

It’s been a heck of a year and has beaten me in many ways…and that beating has actually softened me so much I am like dough that wont shape to bread.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not complaining, far from it. I’m actually somewhat ecstatic in a still kind of way. But not excited.

I became weary of mind.

That’s what actually has happened this year. Weary of the stories, the fears, the games, the excuses, the projections, did I say the fears? The endlessness of mind chatter until we croak.

And I got utterly bored because this year I got to see it in full display, freaking me out, warning about this and that, constantly updating me on the latest threat to me, humanity, anything…We don’t need terrorism when we have our own unscrutinised minds…

And it didn’t help at all..It only brought suffering, body problems and exhaustion.
And I saw that my mind is your mind, is everyone’s mind. Mind is non specific, non personal.

Our personal experiences make it seem unique, but thats an error of perception.
There is only one mind with 7 billion variations. On and on and on it goes, ‘protect and survive, threat and attack…must be careful…danger, danger,
danger…judgement…projection…righteousness….’ yada yada yada chatters the mind..

And I got bored listening, to myself and others. That getting bored and seeing the endlessness of the chatter was the greatest blessing. It meant I stopped listening.
And when I get drawn to listen and take it seriously, I am hauled back into the Matrix world of personal suffering…and ooh! I quickly remember and run out of the prison…

I don’t buy it…I’m done with the mind…Great tool, unfathomable talent and skill, astonishing servant of something greater…But believe all it says at your peril…It will lock you up, throw away the key, and tell you it’s for your own good…And you might believe it..
I feel better already.

Why Your Transformation Matters So Much

Why Your Transformation Matters So Much.

We need to reach a place of such authority through our collective consciousness and awakened action that somehow (and I have no idea how) we actually render Politics and politicians redundant and inept.

While our consciousness is still in the grip of the mainstream system, politicians and manipulators, we have no power.

If we fight it, it wins. It’s like fighting your own ego, you can never win.
We feed it by fighting it. it’s an entity that thrives on fear and attention.

We all know that by now.

And yet centuries of habituation and conditioning have convinced us that we can only find freedom and choice within the system, within the prison.
It doesn’t look like that is the truth.

A man who fights for his freedom while he is prison may find some relative freedom of movement and choice, but the freedom is not his and not total. He is still in a prison, albeit a lenient one. This freedom can be denied him at any time.

So how to collapse the prison entirely and live from total freedom?

My feeling is we don’t know, but all we can do is find this place in ourselves, and through that very activity and transformation something new happens and the threads and shoots of a new way, a new paradigm, begin to form ON THEIR OWN, through natural evolutionary movement.
They are already there, and some of us feel them and see them.

We don’t have to sort out every problem of transition from the Age of Self to the Age of Selflessness, we just have to play our part and render ourselves free.

A cell doesn’t know how a body grows and works. It plays its part fully by being who it is and contributing fully of itself in its own unique way.

Thats all we have. Our own lives as they are now, here, our own consciousness, relationships, work, creativity, health, they are the things that will allow the new age to gather momentum.

Thats why, when someone talks to me of feeling powerless, useless and lost, or they say ‘what can I do?’ I say,
It begins with you. You are at the centre of it. You are not some added extra. You are primary to the change and it matters more then you could every imagine.’

Your Transformation Matters – Urgent Upgrade Time

I haven’t posted on here for some time, but with global events being so intense I felt the need to offer some words of support and inspiration to anyone who may be struggling under the ‘tsunami’ that is rolling toward us day by day.
And it is a tsunami, make no mistake.

We are under pressure, all of us. Those who are trying to consciously understand and meet what seems to be happening, and those who are not. It is the same pressure on both. And it is easy to throw judgment at those who are ‘unconscious’ but that is not the point at all.
We are human. We are a human body made of 7 billion individual selves.
Right now many of those selves are fighting each other like a cancer, or like an auto immune disease. And thats not just a metaphor.
It is the truth, because the world is a microcosm, and the whole is contained in the part.

vivir-bien1The point of emerging awareness is to know that, and act from that place with boundaries, compassion, love and gratitude.
The upgrade, brought to us by the evolutionary impulse, by the movement into the Age of Aquarius, is no small thing. It’s a radical shift in consciousness of the entire species, and possibly the whole of life itself.

It is a shift from the era of the individual to the era of collective consciousness, where the purpose of life is to serve the whole, like the cell in a body.

It is a shift from the era of lies, deceit and manipulation to the era of freedom and truth, transparency and authenticity.

It is the era of technological revolution and breakthrough, including the liberation of electricity from oil based, paid for, to alternative and free.

It is an era of the ‘brotherhood of man,’ where all become equal, all races and between the sexes. Inequality will be considered irrelevant because each will see themselves in each other. 

Of course right now it doesn’t seem like that at all! It seems to be the opposite. But the night is darkest just before dawn.

What can you do?

Keep the faith.
Stay focused on truth, loving kindness and authenticity.
Clear out your inner wardrobes – The more transparent and authentic you are the greater your contribution to the whole.
Become like Neo, make your enlightenment bulletproof.
Take the opportunity to inquire into your own sense of freedom. What is holding you back from being free right now? Is it something real or is it something to do with your past? Other people? Is it something you are ok with, or do you think it’s time to do some house cleaning?
Take the opportunity to look at your own division. Most of us have been trained to separation, and will inevitably view other people as ‘other.’ Most white people are inherently racist, even if its subtly. Or you may see women as inferior. It might be time to look at these tough areas of our lives.

Light-Being-MEDIt is time to dig deep into your inner resources and commit on a whole new level.
And it may take time. This global change is going to get more intense yet, and may become incredibly challenging as the dark stuff spirals out of control. We could see upheavals on substantial levels as institutions really begin to crumble, and that will trigger all our survival issues. What I mean is food, electricity, money, water, safety etc. It could get nasty.
I’m not being alarmist but we need to understand the changes are great. The future could be incredible. It could be incredibly good or could be incredibly bad. There are forces out there that do not want the global population to be free, to have free electricity and for us to share in equal brotherhood. They want us in fear and hate and perpetual war.
It is up to us to become the truth of what we want. 
If you want to see a loving world, BE LOVING NOW. Don’t wait for the world to become loving.
If you want to live in a world of freedom, BE FREE NOW, in whatever way you can. Free is a relative term, but to be free of mind manipulation is essential for each of us. Turn off the TV, stop buying newspapers and become a truth investigator.
Make the move to free energy, in whatever way you can.
Make healthy choices, go organic and eat more plant based.
Eliminate mass produced and chemical laden foods. Avoid those that are man made.
Become your own researcher and investigator.

What I am saying is live it now, don’t wait until the world catches up. It will only catch up when you live it. Thats a strange law but probably some weird quantum entanglement. Try it out. 
I’m always trying it out. I live as freely, compassionately, authentically and lovingly as I can. I’m not perfect and I fail often. But I do it anyway, because once tasted never forgotten. I used to live my life under the shroud of fear and shame, and it was hell. It was like wearing a mask all the time.
I can tell you now there is no mask. That is a huge relief and a great liberation.

So I am actively encouraging you to be braver, more foolish, to risk more, to become unafraid, to live more freely and wildly and to play your glorious part in our evolution to become a free flying butterfly.

Let me know how it goes.

Thanks for reading!

Kavi in Hat copy

Truth Will take Everything, Thats What It’s For – The Awakening Fire

The thing about ‘waking up’ and stepping onto this new path is that its going to shake up a lot of your life.

It is the best and greatest gift you could ever give yourself, but you may lose a lot of the old stuff along the way.
shutterstock_62013424Because most people are so invested in that reality and all it offers that they don’t understand why you could possibly question it or decide to change.
But you have to understand they are afraid of what you are doing, they are afraid of you ‘rocking the boat,’ or stepping out from the herd. We act in groups, and we like to hide in groups.
Out of 100 people how many really want to challenge everything they have believed in and are prepared to make life changing decisions, difficult decisions, based on what they discover? One? Zero?

Of course people say they want it, but they don’t want to risk everything to have it. So they hover in limbo between the waking and the non-waking state, kind of half awake half asleep, like that state just before you have to get up, but you don’t really want to, a kind of reluctant wakingupness.
Many of them have perceived a demand for a great sacrifice. They are aware that they will have to sacrifice something, and in thinking they know what they will have to sacrifice, they hesitate and draw back from the fire.
These are the ‘Have the Cake and Eat it Too,’ people. They really do want to awaken and transform, but they want it to be painless, and they want to keep the bits they like or are very attached to.
sacred-fireWhen the path of awakening is governed by fear of what you might lose, and reluctance to lose it, it’s not going to happen. Fear as a guide for choice is the off switch of awakening.

So if you are a person who is driven by the fire of awakening, and it just won’t go out no matter what, you may find yourself alone at some point. You could still be with a partner but you are going to find yourself alone.

Continue reading “Truth Will take Everything, Thats What It’s For – The Awakening Fire”

Creativity and Awareness – Awakening – Living beyond Fear

I have been coaching a client who is an artist. She is very talented. But she has been held back by her stuff. You know the kind of stuff, self negation, lack of confidence, low energy, disillusionment etc etc. We all get it, artist or not. I have had my fair share believe me.

Two weeks back we cracked the code and she had a huge realisation. She understood, not mentally or theoretically but viscerally, in her whole being, that her entire life, thought structure, belief system, relationship, everything, had been built on fear. Fear was the elephant in the room the whole time. She had thought it might be anger, or sadness, or shame, or guilt, or self worth etc etc, but they were all covering over the fear. And here is the thing:

Fear was covering over innocence and trust, the pure and natural state of her being.
She wrote a great blog about it. Here it is:

red_pill_blue_pill-copy3All I did was point to the door. She walked through it with some willingness. You see I know the door. I’m like Morpheus from the Matrix. I know what’s going on, and I know how we cover up our true nature with walls of protection that end up imprisoning us. And then we can’t find a way out. I know the way out. It’s not particularly spiritual, but it kind of is obviously. But I don’t get too involved in the language of spirituality, it’s a red herring. To me its just cutting away the crap, and the false, and the delusion, and getting to the roots and the core. It’s all about simple awareness.

Continue reading “Creativity and Awareness – Awakening – Living beyond Fear”

Kindness is a Game Changer

Hi ‘followers’ and friends. Today you find me full of gratitude, compassion and kindness, both for myself and for you, whoever you are and whatever circumstance you are in.

kindness-quoteI have realized that being kind to each other might be the only real power we have, and it has such power to heal and transform, that it might be all we actually need!

So today, before I begin to tell you of our adventures and where we go next, I want to invite you to take a moment to stop all activity and consider your own kindness. Are you playing kindness at the top of your game, or have you been swamped by the craziness, the activity of life and all its demands?  Has common kindness become something of a luxury that gets added on when you feel relaxed and calm? Maybe at the end of a deep meditation you feel kindly towards certain people, or the world?

My invitation is to, right now, push kindness up the ladder of importance to somewhere near the top. In fact to the very top itself. It’s actually easier to do than you might imagine. Put it at the top and leave it there, and try and remember you left it there, at the top. I know, in fact I will guarantee, that within a couple of hours, it will fall from the giddy heights at the top of the ladder of whats importance.

BUT, and here is the important bit, if you really want to include kindness as a new way of being and living, when you forget and it falls down the ladder, just remember again and put it back at the top. DON’T MAKE UP STORIES ABOUT IT FALLING FROM THE LADDER!

Continue reading “Kindness is a Game Changer”