The Existential Void That Must Be Met

It has been a while since I posted here. But finally I think I have something worth saying. Or watching.
This video is about the pain of awakening and why it must be faced if we are to experience freedom and peace. I hope you will watch it, it is short and will only take  8 minutes of your valuable time. But if you have EVER felt existential anxiety or wondered if there is something wrong with you, watch this.

Here is some of the text:

Once you have had a glimpse of the program that dictates individual and collective behavior there is no going back and it becomes an ever deepening journey down the rabbit hole.

Everywhere you go you begin to see it in other people and feel it in yourself and it gets crazier and crazier.

And its not always easy or good. 

There is a dark and difficult side to awakening, you begin to see the shadow and the negative side of people and yourself, and where it plays out unconsciously, where it ends up when you see yourself and other people.

It hurts, it hurts, because you see how unconscious so much of all this is, how patterned it is, how created and unconscious people are, and how unconscious you are. 

And you begin to realize that you’ve been asleep all the time from being an infant when there may have been some awakeness with no awareness, and now you start to see that your belief system and thoughts that you thought were yours, that you didn’t question in any way were all programmed into you. 

It hurts, it really hurts, and sometimes it may bring up panic because your world feels like it’s falling apart.

You become ‘an outsider, and what used to work no longer works. And all you feel is discomfort. Thats when you just keep going.

And you might become plunged into an existential black hole, wondering what has any meaning, and what is real and not real?

And that’s the job and the task, to dive into that hole willingly because one sees that there might be something in that hole that is so frightening. there might be something on the other side.

There might be some freedom in diving through.

And it’s up to you, and me, to find out for ourselves what it is. 

No one can tell you, you have to find it for yourself. None of the spiritual teachers or gurus or guides or artists or visionaries or shamans or sages. No one. They can point to it and tell you  about how it is on the other side, but it’s your hole, made for you by divine intelligence, and it your journey to go through it, or not, and see what happens.

The void is there for each of us. Keep going, keep on going and explore. Be bold and be brave and push on through to the other side. 

This is the time to become the adventurer you really are, to become the pioneer and explorer. Only this time the explorer turns inwards.

Ancestral Wounds, Holistic Healing and Spiritual Inquiry – New Podcast

Live a Holistic Life

Ancestral Wounds, Holistic Healing and Spiritual Inquiry.

A new podcast is available.
This one follows on form last weeks.

These two quotes sum up this weeks episode:

I feel very strongly that I am under the influence of things or questions which were left incomplete and unanswered by my parents and grandparents and more distant ancestors. It often seems as if there were an impersonal karma within a family which is passed on from parents to children. It has always seemed to me that I had to answer questions which fate had posed to my forefathers, and which had not yet been answered, or as if I had to complete, or perhaps continue, things which previous ages had left unfinished.” Carl Jung 

My physician explained that ongoing adversity in childhood leads to a chronic state of “fight, flight or freeze.” Researchers at Yale had recently shown that…

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An Existential Crisis Is A Gift

The truth is that if you had not already had an existential crisis or two in your life by now, you are either very young, in denial, or missing something. Maybe you HAVE had such a crisis but you have never identified it as such, or you have been afraid it will crush you, or you have never been shown the teaching and wisdom to be gained by embracing it.

Maybe you have never had a powerful CONTEXT for such an experience.

Because, in my observations and inquiries, I would say almost everyone has had at least one moment where they have been thunderstruck by the enormity of the universe, or overwhelmed by the sheer mystery of life, or been utterly disillusioned by existence itself in the face of death and suffering.

It doesn’t have to be all spiritual to be real, deep and painful.

Life is utterly bewildering. Awareness, the fact that we can think and be aware of thinking, is itself an exquisite miracle. The magnificence of manifestation as a personality who can effectively (mostly!) communicate with other beings, who can create things and who has self awareness is maddeningly amazing. 

But the counterpart to that, the shadow of that, the dark side of that, is the wondering what on earth it all means, and what happens to us on either side of life?

As you move through this linear experience of life and ‘get older’ you begin to see how short our time here is. It is over in a flash. And as the years roll by there are times when life itself is perplexing, when the point of it is mysterious, when deep existential and spiritual questions demand answers. Or acceptance in the face of ‘no answers.

But we must look. You and I who are devoted to life’s truth and death must ask these deepest of questions, even if they mean we must face despair and disillusionment. We must not turn away from the dark side, from the shadow, from ‘difficult feelings.’ We must dive in and embrace the whole of ourselves, the light and the dark, the joy and the despair, the magnificence and the horror.

Only then can we say we have truly lived.

For wisdom and great depth are the jewels to be found at the bottom of the deepest ocean.
Swimming Pool

Dark Night of the Collective Soul

I don’t know how you have been recently, particularly this year 2017, but if you are anything like me, you might have been weighed down, disillusioned, even broken at times, and tired of ‘it all.’

Yes, I can honestly hold my hand up and admit that it has been tough. I may have something of a reputation as one who inspires others, who always seems to keep going and one who waves the flag of hope. But boy have I been digging the dirt. I have been almost depressed and reluctant to participate in the whole game any more. When I have looked around at what is going on I just thought ‘fuck it, it is such a mess I may as well leave.’

But I stay, sometimes hanging on by finger tips, and then sometimes feeling new birth and wisdom arising.

Of course we are in weird times. The fact that the ‘greatest nation on earth’ could vote to the top a narcissist right wing misogynist is bewildering to anyone who has any degree of humanity. It has hit us all hard, and we don’t really have an answer, as yet, to the new intensity on Planet Earth.

But it is provoking some new conversations, new inquiry, new depth and new commitment. It is asking us all very personal questions about what our spirituality really means, about when and where we take action, about who we really are, and what we tolerate.

And so it is digging in to our own psyches. And that means it isn’t easy. Things are changing on Planet Earth and the growth is very painful. 

In fact it seems as though we are hell bent on destruction.

And if that is so how do we, individually and collectively, deal with it?

The ground is unstable, the weather is freaky, there is a madman driving the bus and we all have our seat belts on hoping he wont career off the road.

We are in the dark night of the collective soul, and there is no saying whether we will live or die. But we must, each one of us who is called, face the darkness, face the horror consciously, like true spiritual warriors. Not turn away but meet each shadow as it arises, head on and eyeball to eyeball, as it disappears like the maras Buddha faced. We must dispel all illusions until only reality and truth are left.

Thats why its all here, thats why it is so intense. And of course thats why we all want to do something. But the greatest something we can do is dissolve our own illusions and truly awaken beyond all this. There is a greater version of human around the corner, a light filled, ecstatic, liberated, expanded upgrade coming online. 

But you have to start actively CHOOSING THIS, not waiting for it to come and meanwhile staying in the fear realm.

The fear realm is the prison and it is a trap. Fear feeds on itself and we all stay small and we all perish. Be bold, be wise, be free. Dissolve all your illusions until only truth and love remain, and live your life from that place.

And one day humanity will take the step upwards towards its light body self.

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once we were wild

somewhere deep in our dna
is the memory
of how we used to be

i call that our wildness

we became tamed and docile
so we could all live together

i call that our servitude

but no-one ever quite forgets
their wildness
it may drive their desire for beauty
or creativity or freedom

because we are still carrying
our ancestors in our blood and bones
even as we sit
in our suits and ties
and discuss important matters

and don’t imagine that you have to
be crazy or run amok
to remember your wild nature
it is much more subtle than that

that wildness is in your heart and soul
all you have to do is touch it
and taste it
because it is not really dead
until you are.

Poetry and Photography of Kavi Jezzie Hockaday

somewhere deep in our dna
is the memory
of how we used to be

i call that our wildness

we became tamed and docile
so we could all live together

i call that our servitude

but no-one ever quite forgets
their wildness
it may drive their desire for beauty
or creativity or freedom

because we are still carrying
our ancestors in our blood and bones
even as we sit
in our suits and ties
and discuss important matters

and don’t imagine that you have to
be crazy or run amok
to remember your wild nature
it is much more subtle than that

that wildness is in your heart and soul
all you have to do is touch it
and taste it
because it is not really dead
until you are.

This was a picture from my wedding day, I am the one in the Antlers. This was a picture from my wedding day, I am the one in the Antlers.

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Free Your Mind And Your Life Will Follow

It doesn’t matter how you do it. It could be through silent meditation, through cathartic releasing of body armouring, it could be through a near death experience or just grace. It could be through psychedelics or plant medicine. It could be through spending time outside the system, finding a wild shamanic group that offers a path to ‘the old ways,’ through story telling and ceremonies.

It doesn’t matter how it happens but it does matter that it happens.

What is it?

Freeing your mind.

I can honestly count the number of people I have met on my travels who appear to have achieved this great accolade, on the fingers of one hand. I’m not even sure, much of the time, whether I am one of them. But I see the goal, I can see how it looks and I make it my every day intention.

To me it is the only thing that matters.

The whole purpose of incarnating is to find out who, or what, is incarnating.
The entire purpose of this exercise called ‘life’ is to see if it is possible to retain, or discover, the pristine seeing of conscious awareness while in a body/mind system that is a ‘perceiving machine.’
Perception and belief is so convincing that it would have us believe it is all there is. The deception is incredibly convincing, so much so that it has the majority of people in its grasp.

I know to most people its not important. But to me a world lived from this kind of freedom is beautiful and remarkable, in many ways.
It somehow seems to ‘re-engineeer‘ us and we become as new beings. It creates a wholeness, a depth, a natural wisdom and an inconceivable ability to see inside both the individual human and the society at large. It makes us more intelligent, intuitive, compassionate, caring and authentic. We act from this integrity and it has a profound impact on our life and the lives of everyone we touch.

Or, as Morpheus says in The Matrix, You take the blue pill – the story ends, you wake up in your bed and believe whatever you want to believe.’

Free your mind and your life will follow a new path.

Thanks for reading!

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Social Media Addiction Faced – Detox The Only Answer

My eyes have fully opened recently to the extent of addiction in myself and society generally. Of course addiction is a problem for most societies, but usually the addiction only holds a small minority captive. This time, however, it appears to have the majority of society held by the addictive mechanism and pretty much completely unaware of.

What is it? Yup, Facebook, Twitter, Instagram – It’s called Social Media only it’s not very social.

check-facebookIt’s a revolution folks, a revolution of the way we react and interact. In the last 10 years the way we do EVERYTHING has changed fundamentally, and that means we have had no real time to adjust either mentally or, more to the point, emotionally. The tsunami of social media interaction has begun to define our lives. And short of a total meltdown of the internet or a collapse of society, the tsunami has only just begun.

Statistics reveal that cell phone use and web use generally increased enormously from 2014. Check this to see what Im talking about!
http://www.internetlivestats.com/watch/internet-users/

Some statistics: Around 40% of the world population has an internet connection today. In 1995, it was less than 1%.
The number of internet users has increased tenfold from 1999 to 2013.
The first billion was reached in 2005. The second billion in 2010. The third billion in 2014.

facebook-addictBut the statistics are one thing. The anecdotal, visual evidence, is more distressing and alarming.

Look around at your friends, your kids, maybe even your parents, look in the malls, or on public transport, and then take a deep and honest look inside yourself and see if you are really any different from any of them. ADDICTION IS NOT ON AND OFF. It’s not a switch that is either up, meaning not addicted, or down, meaning addicted. Oh no. Addiction is all about degrees and measures. Addiction is wrapped up with necessity and habit, with social conditioning and deeply held human issues rooted in our ancestral dna, and stuff about the herd mentality and ancient tribal behaviour demanded by sheer survival.

Check whether this list includes anything you do.
http://www.hongkiat.com/blog/facebook-addiction-signs/

Almost everyone is addicted to something, even if its just in some small way. It may be subtle, or it may be all consuming, but its there. It may not interfere with healthy functioning, but its there, and its something that pulls at us if we don’t do it habitually. It may not be that destructive to our life, well being, relationships, work and so on but there it is.

WISDOM AND ADDICTION ARE LIKE OIL AND WATER.

I think the sooner we recognise that addictive impulse in ourselves and where it lives, in what dark corner it hides, and, most importantly, what purpose is it serving, the more we can understand ourselves and transcend the torment of our addictions. Because the nature of addiction is unconscious and denied. And it ALWAYS serves a purpose, always it offers us the carrot of salvation from our suffering. It always offers us love. But addiction itself is a highly powerful force. Even more than the object of ones addiction is the ADDICTION. It is a mechanism, a highly powerful shadowy mechanism that thrives on darkness and fear.

Because addiction is so closely linked to our basic existential nature it is intertwined with the two base forces of love and fear.

Maybe addiction is the unconscious human answer to separation syndrome. Thats why addiction is essentially a spiritual phenomena.

The answer to addiction is waking up to the truth of who you are. The answer to all addiction is love and inner authority. To overcome addiction, as well as the physical component, one must fall in love with oneself, show up, tell the truth, see where you hide from fear and what you are afraid of, and then chose to love yourself. The answer to addiction is love and connection, but that connection is to yourself and the world.

POWER.

Anything less than your full power released into the world could result in the activation of this addiction mechanism. It may protect you for a while. But it will eat you in the end. It is voracious and hungry.

So let us return to the issue in hand. The modern cultural acceptable addiction. Social media.
Head down, buried in the screen, totally distracted, emotionally dependent on ‘likes’, comments, notifications, increasing friends lists, etc etc we disappear from awareness and presence into the world of the mind through the screen and down the rabbit hole.

We check our phones at least 150 times a day, many of us, so I worked out that on average that means every 6 minutes or so. And it is increasing.

If it affects you, if you keep checking your phone, inbox, social media, even when there is no real reason, then I’m afraid you are in the modern matrix. And the matrix has you.

I know because I have been in the matrix also. I was completely convinced I was acting from real freedom and just exercising my freedoms and really enjoying all my friends and contacts and likes etc. But the truth was that the walls of my prison had changed and got smaller. They built the prison around me while I was distracted by content.

BOILING THE FROG.
6a00d8341c3e6353ef00e551d211f38834-800wiMany of us have been led, innocently, to the pot on the stove and have been boiled, so slowly we have not noticed. These giant social media corporations hire well qualified, highly professional psychologists and marketers to investigate you and me and to work out how to get us to do what they want, willingly and blindly, as though we were free.

They know your habits, your preferences, your likes, dislikes they know how long you do something and they know what you don’t like. Between your phone stats, your Facebook analytics, google and amazon they know you better than you know yourself. You have an online profile that informs social media and they promote and market to accordingly. They feed you what you want, even if you don’t know what you want.

It is that scary. And you don’t even realise, because they have offset their activities with your rewards. Those rewards are (the illusion of) connection, being liked, importance, information, and power.

Don’t buy any of it because its not real.

I quit Facebook and Twitter very recently and I am feeling the effects of the withdrawal. Some parts of life have been rendered meaningless.  Where is the instant gratification of a new like? Where is the surfing new posts to give me some distraction? Where is the relief I get every day, relief from the truth of my own life?

Gone…Facebook shut down and Twitter deactivated. It feels powerful, detoxing and vulnerable….Do it…try it out, inquire, investigate, tell the truth.
And comment here…Its the only place you will find me..

The Matrix has you…..and at some point you have to make a decision..
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Reclaiming Warrior Consciousness

The self-confidence of the warrior is not the self-confidence of the average man. The average man seeks certainty in the eyes of the onlooker and calls that self-confidence. The warrior seeks impeccability in his own eyes and calls that humbleness. The average man is hooked to his fellow men, while the warrior is hooked only to infinity.” ~ Carlos Castaneda
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It appeared to have died many years ago. In fact not many ever think about it and thus it is relegated to myths of ancient times, or turned into super hero comics and movies.

What is it?

Warrior consciousness.

It died when we humans got smaller and more submissive. It died when we became so socialised and urbanised that we lost our wildness. There was a trade off in order to live peacefully and collectively, and it was the very thing that gave us freedom and adventure and power. It was the very thing that made us warriors with integrity and honour.

And it was the very thing that enabled us to stand up to tyrants and maniacs.

And when we humans lose integrity, honour, impeccability and wisdom, we lose everything that lifts us up from the swamp of the ego. Without the gifts of the warrior we live like guttersnipes grabbing power and trying desperately to dominate each other. Without honour and authenticity we live in a kind of half light of ego mania where we each try and feed off each other. A living hell realm.

Warrior consciousness is what lifts us towards the divine and out of the gutter.
And the loss of our warrior like discipline and discernment has led to a submissiveness that has consequently allowed petty tyrants and despots to rule us and dominate us.

And we need to reclaim our warrior consciousness. Now.

How?

I have spent time with a shaman I knew during the 90s. To some extent he trained me. He ran a tribe doing ceremonies, sweat lodges, authentic being, talking circles, offerings, poetry of the heart, musical wildness and feasting – he still does I think. I went through a deep transformational 2 years with him, seeking power in dark places, caves, mountain tops and in sweat lodges and fire ceremonies. I got injured, torn open, humbled, at times humiliated, adored and applauded for my bravery and authenticity.
dsc02299It was a devastatingly heart opening, defence shattering experience that allowed me to see and experience what Castenada is talking about in the quote at the start of this blog.
At first I was just the same old guy doing lots of weird ceremonies, but after two years I had developed eloquence, respect, authenticity, even some impeccability and honour. I thought and felt poetically and a passion arose in my very being, a passion for truth and love, a warrior like passion that has never turned off.

And then I discovered a love I had never had before, with my wife Amoda Maa. This love burned up all vestiges of arrogance or hiding and resolved everything that stood in the way of intimacy and authentic relating.

And then I discovered self inquiry, the form of spiritual investigation to seek what is true above and beyond all relative beliefs and thoughts. This inquiry allowed me to begin to rest in absolute consciousness and allow the drama of life to play on without me.

So the answer, to me, when asked how to develop this warrior-like truth and impeccability, is:
a. Willingness to be stripped of what is false within you.
b. A desire for truth that burns in your heart.
c. An acknowledgement that things are not working as they are.

If those three things align then you are ready. You need to find someone, somewhere, a group, tribe, workshop, book, teacher, shaman, who you are drawn to, one that makes you feel excited and scared, and you need to dive in head first and get carried by the wave. Don’t get into hero worship and always remember what you are there for.

You are there to learn about yourself. You are seeking your warrior nature, your truth, impeccability and authenticity. It doesn’t have to take lifetimes, and it doesn’t have to be this mystery that many elevated spiritual teachers talk of. Don’t get fooled by too much of this ‘enlightenment’ business.

Keep it simple. Be committed to stripping away what is false and fake within you, and harmony and truth will arise naturally. Follow the signs, they will be everywhere, and when you learn how to read them they will be even clearer.

And then the journey of your life will get very cool and very interesting. When we are stuck in normal mindset it is very boring, and very linear. We are shut off from the intelligence of nature and life itself. We are, in effect, alone. When you begin to develop as a warrior this barrier begins to dissolve and the world awakens! It was always there but you were asleep to it.

And then you become the warrior Castaneda talks about.

The self-confidence of the warrior is not the self-confidence of the average man. The average man seeks certainty in the eyes of the onlooker and calls that self-confidence. The warrior seeks impeccability in his own eyes and calls that humbleness. The average man is hooked to his fellow men, while the warrior is hooked only to infinity.” ~ Carlos Castaneda

Thanks for reading, good luck out there.
Kavi in Hat copy

 

The Global Body Awakens

Even in the face of all this hate and fear
We must remain open
As we protest and campaign we must stay as love
And not be drawn into the old ways
Of judgement and finger pointing
If there is a change happening
In the very heart and soul of man and woman
If there is something new growing within us
We must stay healthy and well meaning and not become hate

As the body grows new cells
Those cells can be healthy or toxic

To truly fight the disease
A cell must be well adjusted and vibrant
It must be fully alive and full of light

A hate filled cell will only produce more disease
Let our teachers be our own bodies
Our own cells

This is the time of embodiment

In this time of decay and cancer
When the global body is full of disease
You, and I, and our bodies, our minds, our emotions
Matter more than we imagine
Each one of us plays their part
And that part can be
Played with goodness at their core
Or hate in their heart

Only one will lead to transformation.
It is time to choose the path
And commit to either one way or the other.

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